People are not their behaviour. If we react to another person’s behaviour we are reacting to only a small part of the whole person, and we may not get positive outcomes. Behaviour is ‘overt’ and visible to us and in some ways all we have to go on, but it is produced by invisible covert ‘drivers’. If we can understand these drivers we are better able to react professionally to whatever behaviour we are faced with and in some cases change the behaviour. We can try to get closer to ‘drivers’ by asking questions. Asking questions, using good questioning and listening technique can help. Asking “What is important to you about this….” will take us closer to core values and provide a deeper understanding of what is required here to get to a positive conclusion. There are different types of questions and skilled questioning gives us a real advantage, since the right combination of questions will get to the heart of an issue. Remember that delving too deeply with probing questions risks breaching rapport, whilst asking lots of open questions could result in information overload, and therefore not produce the specific insights we seek.

1. Notice Your Own Reactions.

• Who is in control here, them or you? Remember, “he who angers me controls me.” A Chinese proverb.
• Do you fight right back, give in or assert yourself?
• Can you empathise with why they may be feeling this way?

We have a choice to make. Stand back and think about the preferred outcome. If we focus on our choice of destination we may get there, rather than being purely reactive. Focus on the end. This focus helps us to stay on track when people are angry or aggressive. It takes some of the sting out of the negative energy because we have a focus.

2. Be Assertive.

Assertiveness is about relationship balance. If we have sufficient self-worth we will speak up, or make a stand whilst respecting the views or needs of others. Assertiveness is about wanting both parties to ‘win’, finding a fair compromise at times. Say how you feel, simply, calmly whilst still respecting the views of others. Sometimes we need to repeat ourselves calmly and in the same tone of voice several times until we are heard. It is ok to say ‘no’, change our mind or to take time to think things. Our mental mindset is visible and almost tangible to others so we should try to remain in win/win. Aggressive people will say their piece without respecting the views of others, their objective is often to win at all costs and often no one actually wins. Passive people often lack the confidence to take a stand and allow the other person to win, but assertive people say their piece whilst respecting the views of others and aim for a win all round.

3. Communicate.

Active listening skills are important for good communication and clarity. If our body language is sending a calm message, people will notice. Brains will focus on working out any incongruence, as well as what we are saying!

4. Acknowledge Truth & Logic.

“Yes, I can see how you might feel that.” “Yes, I’m sure we could do things differently.” These statements acknowledge the feelings of others, or the possibility of truth. Try not to apologise for saying ‘no’. Sometimes ‘no’ is important to wellbeing, credibility and long-term relationships with customers. Better to be honest and say ‘no’ when it is clearly your only option, than draw things out because you were afraid to say it at the appropriate time.

“A “NO” uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a “YES” merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.” Mahatma Gandhi

 5. The Positives of Conflict.

Remember that sometimes conflict can be a chance to look at something differently, through someone else’s eyes. If we accept it is unlikely that we will always agree with everyone else then we can accept that conflict is inevitable. If we can hold onto the mindset that says ‘perhaps this person can teach me something’ it may help us to remain calm and open. We can look for any possible truth or logic in what has been said. If necessary, we can give ourselves time to think things over before making any decisions. We need to try to be fair and objective. This is acting from the ‘higher self’, the cognitive, thinking part of the brain rather than using only the core emotional banks because the other person’s anger has sent us towards a ‘fight or flight’ reaction.

Do you feel nerves or anxiety adversely affects your performance at times? Here are some thoughts on why this happens and some tips to help combat nerves and fears in the future.

Firstly we need to consider that we are working with a brain that is sometimes a little out of step with our twenty first century lives. At the seat of our modern day, logical thinking brain is the Amygdala (from the Greek word for almond). It is thought that this structure was in place before our new larger, cognitive brain structure developed. Despite this larger and more developed brain structure, the Amygdala retains it’s position as ‘driver’ in matters of emotion. If this area is damaged, in an accident for example, the person suffers from what is known as ‘affective blindness’ or an inability to determine emotional significance or meaning. It is the root of passion, love, hate and tears and explains why intelligent people can become overwhelmed by a wave of emotion that overrides their rational thinking. Disastrous consequences, such as murder or other crimes of passion, can often be explained by the nature of the Amygdala.

Most people have heard of the ‘fight and flight’ response and I would like to introduce a new variant on this theme entitled read/respond.  To explain this reaction simply: we ‘read’ a situation and, if not careful, go straight to ‘respond’ without thinking through to our desired outcome. Prisons have significant numbers of inmates who, not only failed to read a situation correctly, but also failed to think through to the consequences of their instinctive response. That is, they instinctively went from ‘read’ to ‘respond’ without the cognitive thought process in between.

The excellent books on Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman explain how advances in technology have allowed us to deepen our knowledge and understanding of the human brain; its activity and function. New brain scanning techniques have shown that the architecture of the brain is set up in such a way that the Amygdala is the first port of call for the information delivered by our eyes and ears. It can start a physiological reaction long before our logical thinking neocortex has had a chance to come to a rational decision.  This is why we, as cavemen or cavewomen, would have instinctively run from a sabre- toothed tiger rather than begin a group flip-chart discussion on the best escape route – using our thinking brain to solve the problem. In short, this is a structure that at times can override, or hijack, our reactions. The brain is set up to help us to survive because as cavemen and cavewomen thinking things through may just have got us eaten.

So, in the twenty first century when faced with something that makes us nervous, for example; first date, job interview, appraisal with a line manager we find challenging, driving test or presentation, we can experience certain physiological reactions.  Your own symptoms may include some or all of the following; sweaty palms, blushing, shaking, shallow breathing, high-pitched voice, increased heart rate and going completely ‘blank’.

The amygdala’s role is to help us survive and these symptoms are a sign that the physiological survival response, i.e. ‘fight or flight.’ or read/respond is getting organised. This instinctive response has enabled us to run away or do battle in order to survive as humans. It is a reaction that is ideal for surviving a meeting with a sabre-toothed tiger, but not helpful in an interview, driving test or presentation. This cognitive hijacking in order to fight or run has the potential to inhibit or crush our performance. Just at a time when we need to engage our cognitive thinking brain in order to ‘think’ our way through to an answer, a word or a thought through reaction the Amygdala bypasses our logical rational thinking ability to enable a swift, physical response instead.

Amazingly, the Amygdala can also be triggered by a link with a memory. A certain smell, a look, a sound can all take us back to another time and situation and produce the same reaction. The Amygdala reacts in order to ‘save us’ again when it recognises a situation. If the situation has been a negative experience in the past, nerves and fears may creep up on us and trigger a reaction.

So, if we accept that we have this design fault in our brains that causes us to react without thinking in certain situations, then what can we do to help ourselves? How can we stop and make ourselves think in order to make rational decisions. In short, how can we avoid going straight from read to respond?

We need to THINK and THEN respond in order to create the desired outcome

TOP TIPS

• Have you done sufficient preparation? If you have you will feel more confident and relaxed which supports clear brain function. “Failing to prepare is preparing to fail”
• Recognise the symptoms of ‘read/respond’, does the situation allow for you to take a ‘time-out’ in order to calm down and think the problem through? If not, if an instant response is required then rehearse or role play. Mentally rehearsing each and every action and step, over and over again. This way you are creating a mental ‘furrow’ to follow and you are more likely to get it right under pressure.
• Breathing. It is the out breath that is helpful; blow out slowly to release tension which sends signals back to the brain that you are not in danger. In times of fear we take very short intakes of breath and when out of danger/interview we tend to make deep outward sighs. If you practice meditation, or relaxation techniques, the ability to calm yourself down can be a real asset.
• Wear comfortable clothing, anything too tight as your heart rate increases will feel constricting and uncomfortable, adding to the pressure. Is your collar size too tight, can you loosen your tie?
• Visualise yourself in the situation, do you get a nervous reaction? If so, what is causing it? Address the issue: is there a particular aspect about which you are under confident?
• If you have been told that your performance was poor in the past, visualise the situation again. Get back to the picture and the feeling. Put the picture within a large frame then slowly reduce the size of your negative picture within the frame until it is smaller, smaller, and smaller still. Make it tiny and move it to the bottom right hand corner of the frame; it is hardly visible. Rub it out, it is gone. Your Amygdala does not need to reference it each time you get to the simulator; it is not relevant any more, move forward.
• Think back to a time when you were very confident, competent and got a good result. Go back there now and again just before your go in to relax yourself so you continue to think clearly.
• Visualise a time of great success for you. See the picture with you in it, walk around the picture, turn back and look at it and feel what you felt. See and feel your confidence again, anchor that feeling.
• Understand the role of your Amygdala and you are half way to controlling its effects! Next time the unexpected happens, take control of the situation. Go through ‘read – think – respond’ rather than the irrational, Amygdala-led ‘read-respond’.
• Help yourself to focus by creating tools to keep you on track at the start of your presentation when you are most likely to falter. Our coaching and training on Effective Presentations support delegates to recognise and deal with this reaction and offers a number of strategies that work – see our feedback section.
• Put irrational fears into perspective. Think of them as paper sabre-toothed tigers; they are not real and can be blown away.

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